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“Did you happen to remember the gift for Jonas?”
“Yes, I already got it.”
“Wow, how do you always keep everything in your head?”
I smile. And think: That’s exactly the problem.
What goes unspoken: I’ve had it on my mind for days—alongside the dentist appointment, the empty fridge, the weekly schedule, the project at work, and the constant feeling of forgetting something.
Many people—especially women—know this silent sense of overwhelm. Not from external tasks, but from constant mental responsibility. This is Mental Load.
What Exactly Is Mental Load?
Mental Load describes the invisible mental and organizational work that runs constantly in the background of everyday life. It’s not about specific actions, but about continuous mental effort:
- Who needs what?
- When is which appointment?
- Is there still enough in the fridge?
- Did someone remember to get the gift?
This cognitive labor often goes unnoticed—until it becomes too much. Not because someone does too little, but because someone thinks too much.
How Mental Load Shows Up in Everyday Life
An example: Someone is working from home. Meanwhile, in the back of their mind, they’re thinking about the kids’ afternoon activities, the birthday gift for the mother-in-law, returning the dentist’s call, and whether there’s enough laundry detergent. Added to this: the worry of whether they’ve remembered everything that others might need today.
This mental weight isn’t visible—but it’s real. And exhausting.
What Does Research Say?
Sociologist Allison Daminger (2019) describes four invisible phases of everyday mental organization:
- Anticipating – What needs to be done?
- Identifying – Who is affected?
- Deciding – How and when should it happen?
- Monitoring – Has it been completed?
Her interviews show: Women disproportionately take on this cognitive labor—even when men help with the execution. The responsibility for thinking often remains unshared.
Other studies confirm this: Especially in heterosexual relationships, it’s mostly women who keep track of everything. Even if tasks appear to be divided, the mental responsibility often is not.
Why Mental Load Is So Draining
From a psychological perspective, Mental Load leads to continuous brain activation. The areas responsible for planning, control, and foresight are constantly switched on. There’s no mental downtime.
Over time, this can lead to:
- Exhaustion
- Difficulty concentrating
- Irritability
- Sleep problems
- The feeling of never fully relaxing
Many describe it as “always being tense, even when doing nothing.” This is not imagined—it’s a form of chronic cognitive overload.
Who Is Affected?
Mental Load can affect anyone, regardless of gender. But it especially affects:
- Women in relationships
- Parents (particularly mothers)
- Caregivers
- People with high emotional responsibility—professionally or privately
Often, it’s not the doing that’s exhausting—but the mental responsibility carried alone.
What Can Help—in Daily Life and in Relationships
Make it visible
What are you mentally keeping track of today? What’s in your head that no one else notices?
Redistribute responsibility
Not “Can you help me?”, but: “Can you take over this task entirely—including the thinking, planning, and remembering?”
Have regular check-ins
Weekly conversations: What was too much? What’s going well? What can you let go of?
Talk about the invisible
Speak about what’s weighing on your mind—not just what you do.
What Partners Can Do
Mental Load isn’t reduced through assistance—it’s reduced through genuine shared responsibility. That means:
- Taking full ownership: including planning, scheduling, and follow-ups
- Being proactive: ask, plan, remember—without being prompted
- Showing appreciation: acknowledge what’s invisible
- Reflecting: Who’s doing the thinking here—and why?
For one week, both partners can track what they each have to think about every day. The comparison often acts like a mirror—and is a good starting point for change.
Conclusion
Mental Load is not just “stress.” It’s a form of silent overwhelm that arises when thinking and planning are unequally distributed over time. Those who feel responsible for making sure no one forgets anything carry more than just tasks—they carry the entire system.
Change doesn’t start with a new calendar. It starts with an honest conversation. And with the courage to truly let go—mentally.
