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Some people need to feel that they have everything in view: Deadlines, processes, decisions, results – as seamlessly and error-free as possible. They plan, think ahead, hedge their bets. They take responsibility, avoid risks and often only feel comfortable when they can influence all the details. In short: they want to control what they can control – and sometimes also what they shouldn’t control.
The desire for control is not a bad thing at first. It gives us security, orientation and a sense of agency – especially in a complex working day in which a lot can be at stake. However, as with so many things, the problem is not the need itself, but the extent of it.
When control becomes a habit that permeates everything – be it at work, in a team, in relationships or in self-management – it turns from a healthy need into chronic tension. After all, those who constantly monitor not only take on responsibility, but often also the fear that something could go wrong. This form of internal monitoring drains energy – and at the same time makes it more difficult to do exactly what it is supposed to enable: Trust, ease and development.
What many don’t see: The urge to control is often not a strength, but a protective reaction. It is often based on a deep fear of insecurity, mistakes or loss of control. Those who have learned that things only work well if they control them themselves will unconsciously tend to lead others (and themselves) closely – for fear of being overwhelmed, disappointed or overlooked.
In the work context, this manifests itself in many forms: Micromanagement, lack of delegation, fear of spontaneous changes, great anxiety when processes are unclear or unpredictable events occur. Your own inner life can also be affected: Trying to “manage” every emotion, not allowing yourself any weaknesses, always being “in control” – these are all control mechanisms that eventually become unsustainable.
The irony is that if you control too much, you lose exactly what you are looking for – namely real influence. Because control stifles trust, hinders creative processes and inhibits the personal responsibility of others. And it overwhelms you – because nobody can control everything in the long term without burning out.
What helps when you realize that your need for control has become too strong?
- recognize the source. Ask yourself honestly: What do I fear when I give up control? There is usually an old, often unconscious conviction behind this: “If I don’t do it, no one will do it right”, “Mistakes are dangerous” or “I mustn’t show weakness”. Unmasking such phrases is the first step towards change.
2 Distinguish between influence and control. You can exert influence – through communication, planning and structure. But not everything is in your hands: people, reactions, external circumstances. The more clearly you separate the two, the more relaxed you can deal with uncertainties.
- delegate with confidence. Handing over responsibility doesn’t mean losing control – it means trusting others to find their own way. This sometimes takes courage, but it is often exactly what makes teams and relationships grow.
- practise conscious uncertainty. Purposefully expose yourself to situations in which you cannot control everything – and observe what happens. You will usually find out: The world doesn’t end. On the contrary – something often happens that you couldn’t have planned on your own.
5 Reduce the inner pressure. You don’t have to be perfect. You can doubt, let go and let yourself drift. Self-control is good – but self-care is better.
Control is not an enemy – it’s a tool. But as with any tool, if you use it too often or too hard, you damage the very thing you are trying to protect. Real strength is not shown in being able to control everything, but in being able to let go where trust carries on.
